Good evening, Brother… Crossman. I’m Brother Harker, from the Second Ward, one of your ministering brothers. May I come in?
I know this may sound silly, but could you say the words, “Brother Jonathan Harker, you may enter freely,” please?
Thank you. It’s a thing I have to do… like obsessive-compulsive, but not so obsessive. Now I can come in.
No, I’m not new in the ward. I have lived in this area for a number of years, but have been unable to go to any Sunday meetings. The pandemic has been a blessing, believe it or not, because I can record the ward’s Zoom broadcasts and watch them when I’m… I watch them later.
A mission? Yes, I was in the Romania/Moldova Mission, which is now part of the Hungary Romania mission, in the Transylvania region. I had to come home before I finished my full mission, at first. I was attacked by an investigator.
Yes, it was pretty serious. I died.
But I came back.
No, I wasn’t resurrected.
I became a vampire.
Wait, Brother… Crossman. Don’t panic. I’m not going to hurt you.
Yes, I drink blood, but I won’t drink yours. I have an account at the blood bank. That takes care of our needs.
Our? Oh, yes. My wife and I.
Yes, I’m married. I met her when I went back to finish my mission. She was one of my converts.
No, I didn’t “convert” her into a vampire. I converted her to the gospel. She was already a vampire. When we went to the temple to be sealed, there was some confusion whether the ordinances should be live or proxy, but it all worked out. We are an eternal family.
Children? We hope to adopt, someday.
Oh, I’m a lot older than I look, and my wife is even older—much older.
Now, Brother… Crossman, since neither I nor my ministering companion knew you, I talked with Brother Church, the elders quorum president. He’d love to have you come back to the ward. Is there anything I can do to help?
Since our meetings are in the daytime, I wouldn’t be able to drive you—burning up in the sun and all that—but I should be able to arrange with members in your neighborhood to provide transportation. Is there anything else?
The Word of Wisdom? I might be able to help you with that problem.
Give you a blessing? Not exactly. I need you to look in my eyes.
David Crossman, you do not need tobacco. You do not need alcohol. The desires will vanish from your mind and body.
It’s just a little vampire thing, a suggestion you will be able to follow.
I don’t want to take too much of your time, Brother… Crossman. Here is my card and contact information. You can call any night.
Next time I visit, I hope I’ll be able to bring my companion, Brother Talbot. Lawrence couldn’t be here, this evening. You see, it’s a full moon, and he’s not himself. It’s a hairy time for him. Good night.